Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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