I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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