they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Floor bacon is actually really good
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
