My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
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Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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