So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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