why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
