I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
