Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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