Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
