WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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