there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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