Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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