and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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