Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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