she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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