Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
