Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
