ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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