Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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