Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Enjoy the penises
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
