And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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