I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
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Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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