the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
