Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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