Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
