im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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