My sheets look like a crime scene.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
