well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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