Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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