I want to make a zoo with you.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
