what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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