I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
