i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
