Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
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Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
not ubering you a puppy
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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