I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
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VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
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I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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