how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
