I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
