she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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