In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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