You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
