I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
