you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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