dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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