I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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