Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
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