I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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