seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
