my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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