I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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