Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
