update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
