wakey wakey hands off snakey
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
