I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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