Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
