i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
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and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
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He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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