is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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