Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
