Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
